Dandelions are little miracles...

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

you're not able to be by my side always. and i predict that such little time is gonna be diminished even more in the weeks to come. there are times when i do wish so hard that you could be here. over the years and months you've brought me a sense of security and calm with your presence. and when i think of you, it brings me momentary peace of mind too. somehow. and there are days i crave for that. there are times i get real cranky or scared.
but thats not gonna be very possible. but im gonna fly. but. but. and but.
for the first time, i suddenly realize how very much this means to me. the enormity of it has overwhelmed me the whole day. and suddenly, i feel very lost. i feel, i dunno what im feeling now.
with all the chaos that has happened in two days, i do wish you could make everything better for me, make me ur better decisions

chilipadi on 12:33 AM
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Friday, February 22, 2008

sunday the 24th approaches, and it is with a strange mixture of anticipation, excitement, fear, and sianness that i wait for this day. after the months of preparation, late nights struggling with admins and programming; after the seemingly hopeless rehearsals n clashes of opinions. its finally arrived. and im gonna miss the pure joy and fun that made up a huge part of it. like how mr.pei says, most of the time, he can only hear the shrieks of laughter emitting from the room. (: its been like watching a baby grow up in a way. from empty conceptualizing to now. its happening dudes!!!!. slap me please.

theres just that tiny shard of disappointment that certain important people would not be there to share this special day with. and its always hard, especially for me, to hide that. altho im supposed to. im not very good at that, hiding my feelings. some are easier to do so, at certain times.

a thought just struck me, a couple of weeks/days ago, i cant rmb exactly when. it was on one of the endless bus trips i have to take to reach nafa. thats when i either fall asleep (and knock my head stupid against the windowpanes, real hard) or think abt a thousnad and one random ideas.

heres one. sometimes people give to others much more than they actually realize. and its not until that we begin to ponder about it that we realize that too. for both the giver and recipients. whether its the gift of friendship, love, music, encouragement, courage, ideas, strength etc. and i think thats beautiful. and it makes me very grateful for all that ive received from the people in my life, and grateful for the fact that im able to give to them too, what little i have to give.
its all rather intangible. however, it makes life worth all the trouble. (:

chilipadi on 2:14 AM
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Sunday, February 03, 2008

ive been reading the book My Life and Music by arthur schnabel and it inspires alot. just like how alot of books by great musicians do. and heres sth that somehow reminds so much of hoppie groewndald in The Power of One by bryce courtenay. heh.

"First hear, then play" - so quoted from schnabel. "and this was precisely what he did. Before the fingers moved and the sound came at the beginning of a composition, you were aware of a gathering of force; the pianist was listening; he then played what he heard. And so it went on all through the most elaborate composition......There was never the slightest hint of 'this is how i feel today', which can make other players give highly variable performances, sometimes, as we say, inspired, sometimes not; it was always: First hear, then play."

and on choice of pieces performed: " I am attracted only to music which I consider to be better than it can be performed. Therefore I feel (rightly or wrongly) that unless a piece of music presents a problem to me, a never-ending problem, it doesnt interest me too much....I am not sure that I do know it, inside and out. THerefore I can spend endless time on it"

woah ehh. and thats tons more. for now. these. makes me think.
what makes you attracted to a piece then?

there are days when im afraid that i wont wake up to a new morning. i am unable to explain why so, i just have such an existing morbid fear. and that motivates me to do more, live fully, and so my days (and nights) are crammed packed with stuff.
and then again there are days when i just spend alone, being an antisocial freak and blissfully indulging in such isolation. this balance is however constantly changing tilting wavering. you might question me for supposedly wasting so much time on useless activites. but then again, would life be so joyful without these then? certainly not.
perhaps im just greedy.

chilipadi on 2:28 AM
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