Dandelions are little miracles...

Friday, August 31, 2007

today drained this little me. financially, mentally, emotionally, physically. all aspects u could say. using money to buy time, how can that be even be possible. but yes, i attempted today. three rehearsals, one exam accomp, two students, three cab rides and a whole-day-meal at 10pm.

can money buy happiness too?

how much can one human being contain before it explodes? or implodes?
im close to my limit. and im merely hanging in there.
its only the passion for what im doing that keeps everything going. and time and again i need to come back to that basic love. cos what i say, i do mean it. every word. despite every obstacle and problems, this is worth its all. and i'll always say it, without the slightest hesitation.

my two lil 'eastern' boys made my day today. as they have been doing so for the past goodness knows how many thursdays evenings. so my lengthy pilgrimage there is all worth it. it is richly satisfying and shiokness to see them improve, see the haze clearing in their tiny brains and see them enjoying lessons. and yes thankyou boys for teaching me so much too, including damned patience. yuchen especially, u gave me the best reward ever. i'll never forget last week, it is true indeed. teachers should never give up on any student. you're one such example.

alright. im off to sleep. my brains and body are a goner.

chilipadi on 1:32 AM
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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

so many things to do. and so little time. theres not enough time even to worry abt this and that. its just chiong all the way. im just waiting for the second week of september to arrive. but sigh, that seems so long away. come september, i just wanna sleep and practice 12 freaking hours a day. each. haha.

its when u reach such a stage of hectic-ness that little tiny puny things people do, go a long long way to make ur day. like the innocent laughter of kids like laura. somehow its so uplifting, to know that u made a lil girl laugh so much even tho u were making her do mundane kb exercises. and lil seemingly insignificant exchanges with school people. its always a wonderful feeling to go back there and see them. even tho im not studying anymore, it still feels like a second home. u can never feel lonely there. but i do miss the presence of my old classmates alot. esp the voggies. looks like veggies. haha. i miss in especially the RPG days. they were special days, days to look fwd to, complete with company lunches.

and i do miss the days where you bothered to send me msgs that made me smile silly. the days where you missed me enough to contact me despite of your busy work. nowadays youre so free and yet ure almost non existent. ironic aint it. and i miss the days when we talked like saliva was free (it still is.) and we couldnt bear to hang up. and most of all, i miss the days where we would go out and just do silly things. somewhere along the way, all these changed. maybe its just me. and it bothers me that i don feel like i fit in. and yes maybe maybe its just me.

chilipadi on 12:25 AM
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Tuesday, August 21, 2007

why does it seem like the more we see each other the more goes unsaid? and its all piling up. something's gotta give, soon. i wanna take a break from everything, and it includes you too. i never thought that there would come a day where i would cry cos of you, but you did that to me too. i cried so hard in your bathroom. and when i came out you din even realized that i wasnt okay. the fall in the bathroom din so much hurt as how it hurt to have gone thru all that trouble to get to ur place that day and end up feeling like crap. and its downslide since.

on the other hand, my ideabnk is finally back!! n so is wpsm! hoho. supper at al-ameen was great. ive missed the company so much. and its almost as if they din leave at all. and it goes to show, this is a wonderful friendship aint it. (: so more please!

acid bar on friday was great too. and i gotta thank jillroseyposey for bringing me there. i absolutely love the high and the atmosphere there. the singers rock man. live music that rejuvenates. (: very happening. if i had the time energy and money i would go there every fri!

im waiting for the end of september to come. thats when i can get my much needed beauty sleep and concentrate on practicing. and watch my dans fest performances i so cant wait....right now, i'll just hang in there by pure will and nth else.

ps. to all those who somehow love adding on to my long running name. the name as of now stands as this: Twinky-Golliwog-BoyScout-SmallOne-RagDoll-Piggy.nungsunggoong-Mmmverynice-PortobelloGirl-Fuzzyhead-WongYunQi.
in case you're really wondering, only the last three words stand correct and appear in my IC. contributors to the rest include thebigone, pignix, shihua, christin, alan, and jerry. how very cool! now go ahead and add on, contributions are subjected to my approval and their ability to withstand time.

chilipadi on 2:32 AM
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Thursday, August 09, 2007

so much has happened. so much i have experienced and felt. so much to think about.
that im left gasping for breath, trying to overcome that tightness in the chest that comes with stress.

of late, ive been tenking abt what i do everyday. and then this quote from bryce courtenay's Tandia stuck with me for a long while. to digress quite abit, this is the sequel to his novel The Power of One, centered around the art of boxing, the magic of Africa and the struggle between good and evil. and i tenk ultimately i hold his books so dear to me is how he portrays ordinary people fighting for a dream, how dreams can really take flight with determination, and the essence of humanity thats omnipresent throughout. his books combine storytelling with an ability to make me reflect really deeply on issues that are hidden within the stories. the same goes for Aprils Fool Day, a book about his son who suffered from AIDS, a book with much abt love. so yes, i love the way he writes, the amazing details, and how he can make me cry and laugh and reflect simply with words. one of these lines would be this.
'Both sat in their corners knowing that they'd spent it all, that there were no more tricks. From now it was heart; there was nothing else to give'. this is for the last round in a match btw two fantastic boxers, one white and one black who respected each other greatly and were closer than brothers.

its just the heart. and nothing else besides that, would matter much.
and isnt that the most important thing in the world?
thats how we all get thru with our lives. at least, i tenk thats how it should be. find something that you can sustain with just the heart alone, and then you know you have found everything u will ever need. you might face troubles, obstacles, lotsa crap. but the heart will make ends meet. sometimes it'll seem like theres no light at the end of the tunnel. but there is. on days like this, look deep inside yourself and ask yourself the reason for doing this in the first place.
and that is my belief. my credo. my conviction.
ive found mine, in the magic of musicmaking. the sparks that fly when u meet a fellow musician u can create magic with. the rewards of teaching. the simple, calming joy of music.
all these are intangible, but it fills me much.

(: and im pretty hyped up these days. i love the adrenaline rush of planning for things. in especially these recitals. and i pray that they'll be wildly successful haha. on the other hand i regret taking up some jobs, but then again its been my principle. never change my mind. its part stubborn and part principle. cos i know how sucky it feels to get people who make promises and turn their backs on you. so i'll give my best and continue doing so till i cannot tahan it anymore. hahaha.

it was a bad bad day on sunday. four pieces of bad news in a day. i felt really helpless, and it makes me go crazy. not being able to help. not being able to make things better. i felt their hearts breaking. and the tears flowed. to my dearest friend mr.vogue and your family, especially aunty Kat, stay strong and know that all of us will be here for you always. anytime. the same goes to dihui. you have my deepest condolonces.
and now, im hoping for the best for gu gu my aunt, and first grandaunt.

i love you guys. my mummy and papa. my two sisters. my grandaunts. my grandma. the aunts and uncles. the cousins. and the bestestfriends. the securityuncles and cleaning ladies in nafa. the sunshine-y owners. all the kids and musicians ive worked with. random people ive befriended. and you. thankyou for being in my life.

chilipadi on 2:08 AM
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